i'm so busy with the start of a new school year. i shouldn't still be here, but i am. and i'm ok with that. i'm enjoying my time, although i'm very busy. ever moment should be planned, but nothing seems to go as planned... but i suppose that's all the fun of 'living'.
i notice that the people around me now are not the people i was expecting to be spending so much time with. everyday is an adventure filled with laughs and good times. i feel like i've found another facet of myself and am exploring this new person i am becoming. i knew a shift was coming... i could feel it in my bones 2 or 3 months ago. i tried to guard against the change, but some things in life are inevitable. however, i don't feel like a victim of circumstance; we all make decisions in life, and while others were defining new boundaries within which they would interact with me, i also made decisions in my life about who i wanted to be. i decided how i wanted to be treated, how i wanted to spend my time and what i wasn't going to put up with.
life is too short to become bitter about things that cannot be helped. i'm not bitter. i refuse to be. instead i've moved on to bigger and better things. i'm still holding onto that piece of me that i have been for 3 years now, but i've discovered another possible mean, one that is filled with new possibilities and new adventures. i'm still trying to see who this new person is, and trying to be comfortable with this new person, all the while attempting to hold onto the things i hold dear to me. it will be an interesting road ahead, but from here i see nothing but possibilities.
Today I said goodbye to two friends. One I didn't know for very long, and we weren't very close. But I think we were getting close. He's a good guy, and I wish we could have hung out together more. The other I've known since 1st year. She was my first Japanese friend in university, and one of the friends I've known the longest. Both of them will return to Japan and live out their lives. I will miss them both.
What scares me about the next few days is how many times I'm going to have to say things like "goodbye". Of course I've been saying more "I'll see you later"s. But I don't know when "later" is. This year? Next year? Maybe never? I feel like I'm living out the hedgehog dilemma. Do we meet people only to one day say goodbye? In trying to know others, are we ultimately left with wounds?
They are blurry, I KNOW. GET OVER IT. : (
No big plans for the summer this year. No extravagant trips to Japan or Hong Kong unfortunately. I wish, but alas I don't have the money. Maybe it's because of my latest "brand conquest"? I'm a terrible materialistic slave to the capitalist machine that is luxury brands, fashion and make up. And I love every moment of it.
This summer I hope to spend a lot of great times downtown. I want to go and explore the city with my camera. It's not SLR, and I am no Victoria, but I still want to go and explore the city. I've lived here for so long and I feel like I don't really know the city at all. I also want to start swimming regularly. Maybe even go to the gym (bwahahaha like that'll happen!). I don't know if I'm going to be working as much as I have in previous years (no "regular" work is in the future at the moment, just freelancing) so I want to at least be doing something productive, and not expensive.
This summer might be the last with a lot of my good friends. I want to make the most out of it. I want to have so many laughs that when I'm cutting myself in the bathtub at the end of next summer, I will at least have the good memories to keep me company until I lose consciousness. Ok, in all seriousness I just want to have a lot of memories, take a lot of pictures, laugh like I've never laughed before and live like the world is ending.
I think school as disconnected me from my humanity. It's weird to say it, but school can be so cold sometimes. I love what I'm studying, don't get me wrong. There's nothing that makes me feel as proud as making a great point in a class discussion. But it's all so intellectual (well shit!). I don't feel any heart. I feel disconnected from my art, whatever that might be. At one time it was drawing and painting. Then it was make up. Even now I feel disconnected from it. My make up has been reduced to such simplistic terms. It's always the same look, always the same formula. There isn't any fun in it. There isn't any wow factor anymore. It's all so mundane. I want to be inspired again to create something. I want to write, I want to sing, I want to be.
Montreal was a lot of fun. I was happy to be able to get away from Ottawa for a little bit, see my ladies (and sistah) and have my fags mingle with another part of me life. I'm happy that different parts of my life can mesh as well as they did. It was only for a short little time, but I think it's safe to say that it was good times for all those involved. Thanks again to my lovely Montrealers who made the weekend so memorable, and - although they don't read this - to my favorite fags for coming and enjoying a weekend away with me. Lots of laughs were had, and I know that more are still to come.
Recently, the very realization that my life will be changing dramatically in less than a year's time has been scaring me. I will still be in school, because of my delinquent ways, but some of my friends will have graduated, and will be onto the next adventure. Some of them will be leaving Ottawa for a time, some possibly for good. Some are leaving Canada all together. It's hard to think about all that because I've just gotten comfortable with myself, the people I surround myself with, and my life in general. Soon all that will again, inevitably shift. I keep trying to think of it as "hitsuzen". All things have a purpose: all our meetings and all the events that take place are linked together. Everything happens for some reason, no matter how grand or insignificant. But right now, it's hard to see the hitsuzen of it all. So for now I won't be thinking of it.
I've also really started to miss people who have left my life in one what or another. I don't know what it is about this time of year, but it makes me very nostalgic for the days when I could bury my cares away under trivial things. But those days can no longer exist for they hurt too much. I hope that I can reconnect with those who have made such a huge impact on my life, no matter where they are in the world. I miss a lot of people, especially those I can never meet again.
I also encountered a situation that both made me feel incredibly guilty and incredibly angry at the same time. It's hard for me to believe that jealous men exist to the extent that they do, to the point that they believe that women are in some way their property. It's even harder for me to believe that women actually put up with it, and make excuses for it. Perhaps it's the liberal feminist in me that is screaming out foul, but it infuriates me to see such unmanly behavior. And what else is shocking is that is then turned around into a stereotype an ethnic group, in which people believe that because you are Chinese and male you will be inclined to be a raging jealous asshole. It's infuriating, but I also feel at a loss because I have no idea what I can or should do for my friend who has to deal with a jealous, immature boyfriend. I'm scared that something serious is going to happen and it's going to escalate and she'll be seriously hurt.
I guess that's it for now. School done in a month, where does the time go? I guess as you get older, time stops waiting for you. But such is the nature of aging, I suppose. That's why it's important to cherish what we have. Now if only that wasn't such an impossibility...