Hightea XX (ppaku) wrote,
Hightea XX

it's been a while

I haven't made a substantial post recently because there hasn't really been anything to write about. And I haven't really had the time. Life is so busy these days. School is a constant battle, of papers and readings and discussions and teaching. I'm trying to keep away from situations that I know will put me over the edge right now, since I have so much going on. On misplaced comment could bring out the worst in me - something I'm trying desperately to avoid. Calm and collected is the better avenue I think.

Montreal was a lot of fun. I was happy to be able to get away from Ottawa for a little bit, see my ladies (and sistah) and have my fags mingle with another part of me life. I'm happy that different parts of my life can mesh as well as they did. It was only for a short little time, but I think it's safe to say that it was good times for all those involved. Thanks again to my lovely Montrealers who made the weekend so memorable, and - although they don't read this - to my favorite fags for coming and enjoying a weekend away with me. Lots of laughs were had, and I know that more are still to come.

Recently, the very realization that my life will be changing dramatically in less than a year's time has been scaring me. I will still be in school, because of my delinquent ways, but some of my friends will have graduated, and will be onto the next adventure. Some of them will be leaving Ottawa for a time, some possibly for good. Some are leaving Canada all together. It's hard to think about all that because I've just gotten comfortable with myself, the people I surround myself with, and my life in general. Soon all that will again, inevitably shift. I keep trying to think of it as "hitsuzen". All things have a purpose: all our meetings and all the events that take place are linked together. Everything happens for some reason, no matter how grand or insignificant. But right now, it's hard to see the hitsuzen of it all. So for now I won't be thinking of it.

I've also really started to miss people who have left my life in one what or another. I don't know what it is about this time of year, but it makes me very nostalgic for the days when I could bury my cares away under trivial things. But those days can no longer exist for they hurt too much. I hope that I can reconnect with those who have made such a huge impact on my life, no matter where they are in the world. I miss a lot of people, especially those I can never meet again.

I also encountered a situation that both made me feel incredibly guilty and incredibly angry at the same time. It's hard for me to believe that jealous men exist to the extent that they do, to the point that they believe that women are in some way their property. It's even harder for me to believe that women actually put up with it, and make excuses for it. Perhaps it's the liberal feminist in me that is screaming out foul, but it infuriates me to see such unmanly behavior. And what else is shocking is that is then turned around into a stereotype an ethnic group, in which people believe that because you are Chinese and male you will be inclined to be a raging jealous asshole. It's infuriating, but I also feel at a loss because I have no idea what I can or should do for my friend who has to deal with a jealous, immature boyfriend. I'm scared that something serious is going to happen and it's going to escalate and she'll be seriously hurt.

I guess that's it for now. School done in a month, where does the time go? I guess as you get older, time stops waiting for you. But such is the nature of aging, I suppose. That's why it's important to cherish what we have. Now if only that wasn't such an impossibility...
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