But as the night progressed, i couldn't help but feel sorry for myself. I don't know what the problem is. I just feel a fundamental disconnect to life recently. I have a great group of friends. They are fun, they are supportive, they are interested in me. But I don't know how to connect properly. I can't do it... I feel like every time I try to, things just break apart. Someone called me a best friend yesterday and I cringed. I hate that word. I loathe it. I don't want to, but I do. I don't have a best friend. I don't know what it is. It's not a concept I understand or know. It's not a title I assign to anyone. I don't have a best friend, but i have a lot of great or good friends. I have friends I feel motherly towards. I have friends I need to mother me. I have friends I like to party with, to drink with, to go shopping with, to have deep conversations about life with, to talk fashion and make up with, to talk about Japan and Japanese with, to go for sushi with, to go for Dim Sum with, to go for bubble tea with, to make inappropriate jokes with, to eat McDonalds with, to road trip with. I have different friends for all those different categories, but I don't have a best friend.
I used to think certain people were my best friends. There was a friend from high school. And we're still good friends now. But we live in different cities more times of the year, and so we'll rarely see each other. I tell her things I won't really tell anyone else. She'll take an interest and ask me how I am, and remember things I've told her and... they all seem like qualities I should have in a best friend, right? But she's terrible at keeping in contact, and although i do want to spend a lot of time with her, the reality is that we will never be best friends. There will always be something keeping us from having that sort of bond. Be it her inability to maintain effective lines of communication or my inability to turn a blind eye to it, I'll always feel like I want a sort of commitment that she is ultimately unable to provide me with.
That leads me to another friend who was also from high school. We are good friends now too, and she lives in Ottawa so keeping in contact with her is much easier. She's kindhearted, warm and inviting, and I enjoy all our talks and meals. We don't see each other frequently, but I do enjoy when we get together. She's always there to listen to my woes, and she is probably the person I tell everything to. I think she knows all my secrets. She seems like the perfect candidate for best friend, right? Well, it's not that easy. I, for one reason or another, cannot seem to make the appropriate time for her. I feel terrible for the situation being as such, but I cannot seem to make time for her. She has to come to me for me to make any time at all. I'm not considerate enough to her and her feelings. And I don't think that's fair to her, and I'm angry at myself for that.
And then we move onto the friends I made in university. The first real good friend I made in university, my second year (as i did not make friends in my first year because i fail at all things in social networking) turned out to be a completely different person from the person he seemed to be. By the end of second year, the person who called me his best friend was someone I didn't recognize at all. He was an alien, speaking in tongues and took me for granted. And i was stupid enough to let him. and then he moved away, thank god, and I was able to be rid of him.
And then came the summer of oddities. I had already begun to move into a new best friend of sorts. I believe I had already resigned myself to my fate of being "best-friend-less" but recognized the substantial amount of time we were spending together and recognized that there was at least something to be said about that closeness. However, it was doomed to failure, as i watched him hurt all those around him, and did not realize i would be next until I finally was. And then i pushed him away and have never forgiven him since. And I never will, not on this matter.
That's when I started to become close to two friends who i suppose had the potential for best friend material, save for the fact that one stretches himself so thin that i should think there isn't time for even himself, and the other doesn't truly see me. I love them dearly, and do care about them, but I feel as though I will always be in competition for their attention and affection, two things that will forever be out of my reach since they belong to each other, whether they are willing to admit it or not. I will forever find myself as the third wheel in their relationship, as I continue to find myself in so many of my relationships, and i don't know how much more of it I can take being invisible in this regard.
It must be said that the longevity of my friendships seems to be decreasing substantially. The people I know now seem to differ substantially as the years go on. Once I left the small pond that was high school to swim in the ocean with the rest of humanity, my relationships began to fluctuate immensely. It did not help that I also lost a person who has defined me for so long, which added much insult to injury. It seemed like a never ending soap opera from the end of high school to the beginning of 3rd year. And 3rd year did look up, but the beginning of this 4th year has been even brighter. But i feel now, more than ever, a need to connect, but an inability to do so.
I find myself attempt to balance to parts of my life that cannot be appropriately balanced. To do something even marginally well, I require all my attention, all my energy on that one thing, at the expense of all else. My relationship with my father has been one such expense, in the name of school, my personal sanity, and a chance at friendships. Now it has come down to a decision of school or friends. Last semester saw me working harder than I ever have in university, which produced results that I am very happy with. I can only hope to keep those results up. However, they came at the expense of a personal life. My life involved weeks where I was in the library a minimum of 30 hours a week, doing readings, do research and writing paper after paper after paper after paper.
I feel as though i can only live for myself, but the expense is that I must live by myself. Of course i don't mean literally, and my friends are still around. But my ability to create meaningful connections with another human being is failing rapidly. I want to believe that my skills at making friends or even meeting someone have not been compromised, but I can't fight the feeling that it is too late. I cannot adapt the same way I could. There's too much water under the whatever, as Meridith would say. I feel like I have been severely handicapped in this respect, and my ability to create real relationships with people diminishes as the days go by. I'm much more cynical about life. I want to reconnect with something out there. I want to be inspired again. I want to be able to create, cultivate, and nurture within me a sort of spirit that will make me want to truly live life.
The problem is, how do I get there?