dior lacy

living for yourself?

Yesterday I went skating on the canal with a bunch of friends. It was an afternoon of skating, antics and beaver-tails, that spilled into an impromptu house party, a hilarious dinner out, a heated debate about morality and social norms, and then a trip out to the bar. Yesterday was probably the most fun I've had in ages, and I can't wait for the opportunity to do it again soon. It was only about 8 hours, maybe a little bit more, which in reality is a long time to spend with a group of people in one sitting, but it felt like 3 days and in a good way. I didn't want it to end, but I was so tired by the end of the night - partially again in a good way - i was asleep before my head hit the bed last night.

But as the night progressed, i couldn't help but feel sorry for myself. I don't know what the problem is. I just feel a fundamental disconnect to life recently. I have a great group of friends. They are fun, they are supportive, they are interested in me. But I don't know how to connect properly. I can't do it... I feel like every time I try to, things just break apart. Someone called me a best friend yesterday and I cringed. I hate that word. I loathe it. I don't want to, but I do. I don't have a best friend. I don't know what it is. It's not a concept I understand or know. It's not a title I assign to anyone. I don't have a best friend, but i have a lot of great or good friends. I have friends I feel motherly towards. I have friends I need to mother me. I have friends I like to party with, to drink with, to go shopping with, to have deep conversations about life with, to talk fashion and make up with, to talk about Japan and Japanese with, to go for sushi with, to go for Dim Sum with, to go for bubble tea with, to make inappropriate jokes with, to eat McDonalds with, to road trip with. I have different friends for all those different categories, but I don't have a best friend.

I used to think certain people were my best friends. There was a friend from high school. And we're still good friends now. But we live in different cities more times of the year, and so we'll rarely see each other. I tell her things I won't really tell anyone else. She'll take an interest and ask me how I am, and remember things I've told her and... they all seem like qualities I should have in a best friend, right? But she's terrible at keeping in contact, and although i do want to spend a lot of time with her, the reality is that we will never be best friends. There will always be something keeping us from having that sort of bond. Be it her inability to maintain effective lines of communication or my inability to turn a blind eye to it, I'll always feel like I want a sort of commitment that she is ultimately unable to provide me with.

That leads me to another friend who was also from high school. We are good friends now too, and she lives in Ottawa so keeping in contact with her is much easier. She's kindhearted, warm and inviting, and I enjoy all our talks and meals. We don't see each other frequently, but I do enjoy when we get together. She's always there to listen to my woes, and she is probably the person I tell everything to. I think she knows all my secrets. She seems like the perfect candidate for best friend, right? Well, it's not that easy. I, for one reason or another, cannot seem to make the appropriate time for her. I feel terrible for the situation being as such, but I cannot seem to make time for her. She has to come to me for me to make any time at all. I'm not considerate enough to her and her feelings. And I don't think that's fair to her, and I'm angry at myself for that.

And then we move onto the friends I made in university. The first real good friend I made in university, my second year (as i did not make friends in my first year because i fail at all things in social networking) turned out to be a completely different person from the person he seemed to be. By the end of second year, the person who called me his best friend was someone I didn't recognize at all. He was an alien, speaking in tongues and took me for granted. And i was stupid enough to let him. and then he moved away, thank god, and I was able to be rid of him.

And then came the summer of oddities. I had already begun to move into a new best friend of sorts. I believe I had already resigned myself to my fate of being "best-friend-less" but recognized the substantial amount of time we were spending together and recognized that there was at least something to be said about that closeness. However, it was doomed to failure, as i watched him hurt all those around him, and did not realize i would be next until I finally was. And then i pushed him away and have never forgiven him since. And I never will, not on this matter.

That's when I started to become close to two friends who i suppose had the potential for best friend material, save for the fact that one stretches himself so thin that i should think there isn't time for even himself, and the other doesn't truly see me. I love them dearly, and do care about them, but I feel as though I will always be in competition for their attention and affection, two things that will forever be out of my reach since they belong to each other, whether they are willing to admit it or not. I will forever find myself as the third wheel in their relationship, as I continue to find myself in so many of my relationships, and i don't know how much more of it I can take being invisible in this regard.

It must be said that the longevity of my friendships seems to be decreasing substantially. The people I know now seem to differ substantially as the years go on. Once I left the small pond that was high school to swim in the ocean with the rest of humanity, my relationships began to fluctuate immensely.  It did not help that I also lost a person who has defined me for so long, which added much insult to injury.  It seemed like a never ending soap opera from the end of high school to the beginning of 3rd year.  And 3rd year did look up, but the beginning of this 4th year has been even brighter.  But i feel now, more than ever, a need to connect, but an inability to do so.

I find myself attempt to balance to parts of my life that cannot be appropriately balanced.  To do something even marginally well, I require all my attention, all my energy on that one thing, at the expense of all else.  My relationship with my father has been one such expense, in the name of school, my personal sanity, and a chance at friendships.  Now it has come down to a decision of school or friends.  Last semester saw me working harder than I ever have in university, which produced results that I am very happy with.  I can only hope to keep those results up.  However, they came at the expense of a personal life.  My life involved weeks where I was in the library a minimum of 30 hours a week, doing readings, do research and writing paper after paper after paper after paper.

I feel as though i can only live for myself, but the expense is that I must live by myself.  Of course i don't mean literally, and my friends are still around.  But my ability to create meaningful connections with another human being is failing rapidly.  I want to believe that my skills at making friends or even meeting someone have not been compromised, but I can't fight the feeling that it is too late.  I cannot adapt the same way I could.  There's too much water under the whatever, as Meridith would say.  I feel like I have been severely handicapped in this respect, and my ability to create real relationships with people diminishes as the days go by.  I'm much more cynical about life.  I want to reconnect with something out there.  I want to be inspired again.  I want to be able to create, cultivate, and nurture within me a sort of spirit that will make me want to truly live life.

The problem is, how do I get there?
dior lacy


Happy 2009 Ya'll.

I don't know why, but I was in the mood for perfume commercials today on youtube, and found probably my all time favorite perfume "movie" for Prada's first fragrance starring the beautiful daria werbowy. LOVE HER.

dior lacy

coalition is getting a bad rap, ya'll

everyone is up in arms right now with the current situation of canadian politics.  what is going to happen?  will harper make it through the next session?  i don't know if i can answer those questions.  that is something i think everyone, even scholars of canadian politics are closely watching.

however, i would like to address the bad rap that the coalition is currently getting from a lot of people.  why do people think it's so undemocractic?  democractically, we have elected the memebers of parliament to represent our interests.  no matter which side you might be on, we have given our powers to the members of parliament through our constitutional parliament.  we have given it powers.  it is the beast we have told to do our dirty work.  and then when it does what it's supposed to, we are all in shock!

so what are most people most angry about?  well the fact that they believe that the coalition is power-mongering, taking this opportunity to topple the government, and doing so with the support of a separatist party.  i'm sorry, but last i checked, that separatist party is still part of the parliament of canada, is still elected DEMOCRACTICALLY by the people, even if they are elected from one province.  do i believe their numbers should be so high?  oh hells no.  but that is not a smear against the party, it is a smear against our first-past-the-post system, the thing that, in my opinion, should be the focus of public outcry for it's inherently undemocratic nature.  but do we hear that?

instead, we've decided to cry about the fact that harper is getting ganged up on by three other parties, one who "threatens the unity of canada and is trying to tear it apart."  last i checked it was a coalition of the liberals AND ndp with the SUPPORT of the bloc.  not the bloc government.  it would be our lovely bumbling dion who would be in power, not duceppe.  and puh-lease, if your concern is really about the unity of canada, wouldn't your attention be better focused on finding a way to bridge the gap between separatists and federalists?  calling them out as an undemocratic part of the our parliamentary system is not really what i would say is the smartest thing to do.  they are already disenchanted with the quebec's place in canada.  do we really want to exacerbate the situation?

and then we get to the coalition in it's existence.  people are angry, saying that it's undemocractic.  how can parties get together to overthrow the government that is in power, elected by the people?  hmm, last i checked, the harper government has yet to gain a majority government.  that in itself represents a severe deficit of democracy to mean...  how can a party without even the democratic basis of a majority vote really yield power and have a mandate?  we critize the coalition, but they are doing as we have told them, as all oppositions should doing, acting in opposition to the government to maintain accountability.

how does our house of commons work?  we created the house of commons such that the accountability of the government could be checked.  it is our lease on the government, sometimes used to guide us like a guide dog, other times used to dicipline as a choke chain.  we have a multiparty system to ensure that all voices, not just one, is heard in the government.  many times it is the minorities that need protection, not the majority.  the opposition parties are there to ensure that all the voices of canada are being heard, not just those who voted for the government in power.  so the liberals and ndp are doing exactly what we have told them to do: to protect the interests of those who do not make up the government.  how can we critize them for the powers that we have conferred upon them?  the problem isn't them, it is the system.  so before you start judging, please take a closer look at what is happening, and at the playing field that our political parties are playing in, the one we have created for them.

am i for the coalition government?  i don't know that i am.  but i do agree that the pressure they have created on the harper government is one that is needed, to ensure that it remains accountable.  because let's be honest, the PM has a lot of power, and a lot of ways to remain in power.  removing him is not easy, but with the existence of a minority government, we have a chance at at least ensuring he is working in the best interests of ALL canadians, not just some.
dior lacy

end of term

well that was fucking fast.  where did it all go?  it feels like just yesterday that i was standing in front of my first years for the first time, trying to learn and remember all their names.  And now?  Now the semester is over, and i just came back from what was a SHITSHOW of a 'end of term bash' with the class that surprised me to be an amazingly KICK ASS bunch of kids.  It's amazing how different you can view an entire group of people after one outing together...

well here we go into exams!!!!
dior lacy

a little acid, anyone?

i listen to acidman, and i swear i feel a little part of me dying. in a good way. if that's even possible? i think it's one of those things, like watching 1litre no namida. it hurts, and you feel all these things that are dark and deep, and leave imprints on your soul. but when you get through it, at the end of the day your feel something. it's not just the day to day life that you've fallen into when no one was looking, it's something more, something deeper. it hurts and you feel every fibre of your being screaming out. happiness is overrated. happy endings are so last century. living in a sugar coated world will inevitably result in diabetes. we all need to cleanse ourselves, but like forgetting to wash behind the ears, we forget to feel the bad so we can feel the good. how else can we gauge what the good times are and what the bad times are? how else do we know we're alive unless we taste all that live has to offer, be they sweet or bitter?
dior lacy

Of Human Nature

An important distinction between classical philosophy and modern philosophy is a perception as time.  For classical thinks such as Plato and Aristotle, time was seen as a cyclical.  Seasons would come and go and come again; time was noted as a repeating of patterns.  However, for modern thinkers like Hobbes and Rousseau - among others - saw time as a series of events, in which later events were some how dependent on previous events.  Time conceptualized as such included in it the idea of progression.  As time goes on, there is a sense of movement.  We move forward, never backwards.  Time that is pass can never be relived.  It exists for a moment, and dies.  This idea of progression was revolutionary to how people see the world today.

So why is it that I don't feel a sense of progression?  I feel like I'm still in the same place I was when I started high school.  Obviously things have changed: I'm certainly older now than I was then.  I've grown as a person, and seen more of the world now.  I'm obviously not still in high school by any means.  But emotional, I still feel like I am where I was all those years ago.  I keep trying to connect.  I keep trying to find some sense of wholeness.  Maybe it is my naivety that causes me to remain at the starting line.  Humans can never truly know the inner workings of another.  Just by existing do we set ourselves apart from others.  Flesh separates not only our swishy bits from the rest of nature, but also thoughts and feelings from those of others.  And it is even more complex than that, as a simple ripping of flesh would not remedy this separation.

Humans live in separation.  Our bodies, though they be not prisons, divide us.  We try to come to know others and to let others know us.  We root, make friends, find lovers, create families.  It is our desire to be as one that pulls us together.  But it is this same desire that also separates us.  The more we desire for holism, the more atomized we become.  We know only of our inner workings and we cannot conceive of the inner working of others.  We assert our spirit over others, in the name of holism, believe in ideas of harmony and unity, all the while toting on about liberty and freedom.

Democratic societies exist today in paradox.  How can we believe in majority rule while believe in individual rights and liberties?  We believe that 50% + 1 constitutes a mandate for the determination of millions, but we also believe that individuals are born with indivisible, inalienable rights and freedoms.  We strive to find a national voice, but fight against it when it opposes us.  There is a reason why democracy was seen as the evil twin to polity.

That is not unlike what I am feeling now.  It is a paradox to want to know others, when our very existence limits us from knowing all that we can know.  It is perhaps even the case that all that we can know of another is less than a majority of that person.  Humans are tricky things, and the relations between them are that much more complex.  We can never truly know the thoughts of others, for they show us what they want to show us, leaving behind the parts that they wish to keep hidden.  Even when an ugliness appears, it is through some sort of volition.  Human choice gives us the ability to decide the mask that we want to put on for the world.  But that is how the world comes to know an individual: through the masks he juggles.

So what is the point of it all?  Why do we fight against all odds to find community with others?  If it is all futile, why do we continue in such a foolish manner?

Human relations are indeed fickle things.





dior lacy

Great DJ

Love this song... Makes me want to dance!

Fed up with your indigestion.
Swallow words one by one.
Your folks got high a quarter to five.
Don’t you feel your growing up undone.

Nothing but the local DJ.
He said he had some songs to play.
What went down from this fooling around.
Gave hope and a brand new day.

Imagine all the girls,
Ah ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
And the boys,
Ah ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
And the strings,
Eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee.
And the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums.

Nothing was the same again.
All about where and when.
Blowing our minds in our lives unkind.
Gotta love the bpl.
When the smoke was all baton
Remember how this all begun.
We wore his love like a hand in a glove.
Where the future plays it all night long.

Imagine all the girls,
Ah ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
And the boys,
Ah ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
And the strings,
Eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee.
And the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums

Making all the girls.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
And the boys,
Ah ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
And the strings,
Eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee.
And the drums,
Ah ah ah ah, ah, ah, ah, oh.

All the girls
Ah ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
And the boys,
Ah ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
And the strings,
Eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee.

And the drums, the drums, the drums, the drums